A recent post in a Texas family lawyers group asked attorneys to share “things you think you wouldn’t have to tell your client not to do during a family law case, but apparently you have to.”  Here are a few of my favorites (and yes, these things have actually happened):

1. Don’t get someone pregnant (or get pregnant) during your divorce.
2. Don’t neglect to tell your lawyer that you breed tigers as a hobby and that they are allowed to roam freely throughout your compound, particularly when you are fighting for the exclusive right to designate the primary residence of the child.
3. Don’t ever testify “I have absolutely NEVER…” when you did and you’re about to be impeached on it.
4. Don’t tell the judge “you don’t have the b@lls to put a white woman in jail” and then be surprised when he does.
5. Don’t take a shot of liquor during your zoom hearing.
6. Don’t give the judge the finger after he mutes you for talking too much during a zoom hearing.
7. Don’t send a letter to the judge (and don’t have your church do a letter writing campaign to the judge either).
8. Don’t tell your lawyer that you most certainly did NOT break into your ex’s house and take stuff right before opposing counsel hits play on a recording of you breaking into your ex’s house and taking stuff.
9. Don’t get drunk when the kids are with you.
10. Don’t text the opposing party about what your lawyer said (because it’s almost never what your lawyer actually said).
11. Don’t e-mail opposing counsel.
12. Don’t show up to court drunk or high.
13. Don’t show up to court with a box of sex toys and expect your attorney to introduce them as evidence.
14. Don’t lie, especially when you put the truth on social media.
15. Don’t roll a joint and light it up during a zoom hearing.
16. Don’t threaten to rip off one of the implants she got during the marriage to get your “half.”
17. Don’t smoke (or vape) in court proceedings, even if they are virtual.
18. Don’t inject your child with animal grade antibiotics.
19. Don’t walk around in your underwear during a zoom hearing.
20. Don’t get engaged to someone else before your divorce is finalized.
21. Don’t e-mail the court coordinator to complain about how the judge’s ruling is going to get your kids killed.
22. Don’t record your child.  You think it’s great evidence, but it almost always makes you look bad.
23. Don’t sext your new paramour unless you want to produce it in discovery.
24. Don’t try to impress the judge with your cleavage.
25. Don’t send out formal wedding invitations for your marriage to Wife #2 when your marriage to Wife #1 has not yet been dissolved.
26. Don’t get your wife’s sister pregnant.
27. Don’t sit on the toilet while on a zoom hearing.
28. Don’t bring your new girlfriend to court for your enforcement hearing and let her sit on your lap in the courtroom.
29. Don’t accuse your wife of assault and then beg her for sex via text message.
30. Don’t throw your shoes at the judge.
31. Don’t give your shoes away during the lunch break and come back to trial shoe-less.
32. Don’t send e-mails or texts to the opposing party saying you “don’t give a f–k what the judge said.”
33. Don’t wear your Rolex to a child support enforcement hearing.
34. Don’t leave a message on opposing counsel’s voicemail screaming that the judge can “go suck my knob” numerous times.
35. Don’t have sex with the opposing party the night before your trial.
36. Don’t have sex with the person against whom you are seeking a protective order, even if that person promises not to tell.
37. Don’t get pregnant by someone else in the middle of your divorce and then sleep with your soon-to-be-ex-husband to make him think it’s his.
38. Don’t change your password to “mywifeisawhore” or anything else you would not want to say out loud while testifying in court.
39. Don’t set a hearing where you are requesting supervised-only access for your husband and then leave the kids with him the night before so you can go shopping for a new dress to wear to said hearing.
40. Don’t bring a date to the final  hearing and make out with her in the hallway on a break.
41. Don’t tell a judge “I’m tired of talking to you” during the hearing.
42. Don’t duck out of the camera’s view to take puffs on a cigarette during your zoom hearing and then lie to the judge when he confronts you about the cloud of smoke over your head.
43. Don’t start fertility treatments with your fiancé when you are set for trial in your divorce and one of the stressors in your marriage was infertility.
44. Don’t leave a voicemail telling your two small children to call their mom a whore, b*tch, and slut over and over, laughing while they say it.
45. Don’t change the name of the contact in your phone from “Wife” to “B*tch from Hell”(or “Satan’s Little Helper,” “Psychopath,” or “Heinous Monster”), especially if your children talk to her on that phone.
46. Don’t upload the nude pictures of your spouse to the parenting portal to prove she sent them to you via text.
47. Don’t appear shirtless for a zoom hearing.
48. Don’t request a drug test of the other side if you’re on drugs, too.
49. Don’t read the pleadings to your kids.
50. Don’t cohabit with a registered sex offender during your custody case and forget to mention it until you are on the stand.
51. Don’t think that just because you blocked your ex on social media those posts won’t find their way into court.
52. Don’t write a check to your girlfriend and write “great sex” in the memo line when you are married to someone else.
53. Don’t buy a house or start a business with your new love while your divorce is pending.
54. Don’t drive your spouse to the sex club and then complain in court about the fact that she went to the sex club.
55. Don’t storm off the stand after the judge tells you it is his turn to talk saying “no man is ever going to tell me what to do again” and then tell everyone in the hallway the judge is sexist.
56. Don’t refer to your husband as a sperm donor.
57. Don’t give the court an e-mail address that has the words “bigblackc*ck” in it.
58. Don’t bring your mistress with you to mediation and look appalled when the mediator and your attorney ask her to leave.
59. Don’t shoot your spouse.
60. Don’t sleep with your husband’s coworkers.
61. Don’t do “a little bit of cocaine” on the weekends or on your birthday.
62. Don’t put a tracking device on the opposing party’s vehicle.
63. Don’t forget to shower and wear clean clothes before court, especially if you are trying to argue you are not a filthy hoarder whose home will endanger the children.
64. Don’t complain your wife is having an affair if you are, too.
65. Don’t call your children’s mom a whore, even if she is.
66. Don’t ask the judge to award you all of the intimate photos and videos you took of your wife because you consider them to be your property.
67. Don’t wear workout clothes to court.
68. Don’t marry a woman whose rights were just terminated by CPS to her own children while you are in the middle of a custody case involving your own.
69. Don’t tell your teenager about your infidelity in the same conversation where you and your spouse are telling her you are divorcing.
70. Don’t forget to wear panties to court and flash the court coordinator.
71. Don’t get drunk in the parking lot before your hearing.
72. Don’t buy a house with your mistress before the divorce is final with community funds.
73. Don’t call your mistress as witness #1 as to why you should have custody of your children.
74. Don’t wear your “world’s greatest dad” t-shirt to your enforcement hearing.
75. Don’t post “f–k the judge” on Facebook.
76. Don’t go to your kids’ game and brag to everyone there about the lies you are going to tell about your husband in court.
77. Don’t make a video saying the judge can eat booty like groceries and then post it on social media during your trial.
78. Don’t ask the bailiff to pass your number to another offending parent while waiting for your CPS case to start.
79. Don’t be laying in bed during your zoom hearing.
80. Don’t marry your pregnant mistress while your divorce is pending and post pictures of the wedding and marriage license on Facebook.
81. Don’t wear your gun to a divorce hearing.
82. Don’t wear flip-flops and super short cutoff shorts to court and then yell at your lawyer in the hallway because you didn’t know you shouldn’t wear those things.
83. Don’t strip in a public bar to celebrate your birthday, regardless of whether or not your kid was at said bar.
84. Don’t bring home THC infused lube from Colorado and try to have a bunch of relations with your soon-to-be-ex as an attempt to make her test positive for weed.
85. Don’t wear a necklace with the letters spelling “b*tch” to your custody hearing.
86. Don’t e-mail the judge a poem where you tell him you’re smarter than him and could have passed the bar if you wanted to without going to law school.
87. Don’t look at the judge and say, “I am a sweet person d*mnit.  You have got to talk some sense into these vindictive angry emotional women.”
88. Don’t wear a sequin tube top, spandex and body glitter to court.
89. Don’t let your key witness at a custody hearing wear a shirt that says “Sexy B*tch” on it.
90. Don’t no-show for the second scheduled deposition and let your friends tag you on Facebook on a pub crawl at the time you should have been there.
91. Don’t play the Tammy Wynette song “D-I-V-O-R-C-E” on your iPhone when the judge leaves the courtroom.  He can still hear it from his chambers.
92. Don’t use videos and photos of your soon-to-be-ex as revenge porn.
93. Don’t tell your lawyer you don’t do drugs and then admit on the stand you smoked meth a few times with your spouse last month.
94. Don’t take pictures in court and post them to Facebook during your trial.
95. Don’t sign an affidavit saying you caught your ex smoking meth and then tell the judge at the emergency hearing that you never told your lawyer you saw her do drugs.
96. Don’t post on Facebook what a great deal you got in mediation and what a “f-ing loser” your ex is when he hasn’t yet signed the mediated settlement agreement.
97. Don’t update your Facebook profile to show off your new breast augmentation prior to your hearing on interim attorney’s fees.
98. Don’t testify you don’t have any idea how you tested positive just before you pass out on the witness stand.
99. Don’t complain that your soon-to-be-ex was a stripper if you met her in a strip club.
100. Don’t testify about all of the horrible things your husband did to you and then get mad the judge gave you exclusive use of the house and didn’t order you to live together, yell in the courthouse that “Jesus doesn’t want us to get divorced,” and then promptly dismiss your case.

The next time you find yourself involved in a family law proceeding, keep this list handy!